Before you become a stepparent, no one prepares you for what it's really like. Sure, people tell you it will be hard. They tell you that you are taking a lot on. Everyone has an opinion about step-parenting. Everyone thinks they know what is best--what's acceptable. They'll tell you not to be too strict, because you don't want to step into the stereotypical role of the wicked stepparent. They'll tell you not to be too nice, because those kids will push boundaries and if you're not careful, they'll walk all over you. Where is the line? Is it different for every family?
It's believed that spending 10,000 hours working on something makes a person an expert. I've been a stepparent for one year, one month, and eight days. That gets me to 9,696 hours in this field. Now, if you ask me, I wouldn't say I'm an expert yet, but maybe ask me again in 304 hours? ;-) The fact of the matter is that I don't think I'll ever feel like an expert in this field. How does one master something that is always changing and evolving? A situation where every complex part is another human being, which complicates the calculations exponentially? All I can do is offer up some of my observations from the past year about what step-parenting is to me.
Step-parenting is:
- Having your kids hold a grudge against you for not taking them with you on your honeymoon.
- Always being ready to give a much-needed hug.
- Not always getting a hug when you need one.
- Having to justify someone else's actions to your kids, even when you can't remotely fathom what was going through that person's head.
- Working twice as hard for half the credit.
- Having a lot of the responsibility, but none of the rights.
- Trying to make up for lost time, but never quite being able to catch up.
- Deferring to your spouse, even when you have a different opinion.
- Becoming a documentarian.
- Explaining to your kids that you weren't there for a major event in their lives because you didn't know they existed yet.
- Getting to see your children for who they really are, and not who they were.
- Learning how family court works (nearly an "expert" there, too).
- Figuring out how to insta-parent.
- Defining boundaries.
- Never giving up.
- Putting aside your own feelings every day, multiple times per day, in order to give your kids the support they need.
- Sending your kids away repeatedly (and sometimes not knowing if they're going to be okay while they're gone).
- Worrying. All. The. Time.
- Being loved, even when you make mistakes.
- Watching children handle situations most adults can't even weather.
What would you add to this list? What are your major concerns about step-parenting or co-parenting? This blog is intended as a place of support and strength for stepparents. If you have a particular issue you'd like to see discussed or blogged about, please share. I hope to have guest bloggers and panelists for those hard to answer questions and those seemingly impossible to handle situations we've all come across as a stepparent.
